Weddings are the only instances when I wish I were a guy.Getting up late and doing no work?Check.Getting away with wearing a jeans and a shirt?Check.Sneaking off in the middle of the ceremony to stuff yourself with food?Check.Ducking away every time relatives approach you for any matrimony related gyaan?Check.Don’t get me wrong.Women are lovely,nice people when not preparing for a wedding.When they do,it’s like they undergo a transformation.They shriek,yell,holler and run hither and thither.You keep women and weddings separate,there’s harmony.When the two collide,it’s utter chaos.Here’s a scene from a real life wedding which I witnessed at close quarters.
(Dozens of bejeweled women sitting on the floor,surrounded by boxes of wedding-y stuff.A couple of men scattered around the room,quietly trying to watch TV)
Woman#1: These sarees go in this box.The ones which we have to give to the boy’s family go in this suitcase.Hey! no jumping on the bed.The invitations are still lying there.Why doesn’t anyone do anything around here?Am I the only one who has to keep track of all these things? I really—-”
Woman#3:I just came back from the parlor.I went at around 11:30 and they took forever to do my facial.I tell you,these parlors nowadays have become so high and mighty.And look at my hair,the color’s still not right.I didn’t pay them the full amount. And you know—-”
Woman#2: Why do we have to give this nice sari to (so and so relative)? I mean,has she ever invited us to any of the functions in her family?I’m not going to give her this one.(Rummages for another less expensive saree).There.This is much better.What does she think of herself—-”
(One of the men gingerly shifts his position to view the TV better and drops the remote in the process)
Woman#5:Oof.So clumsy.Cannot even take care of the remote.You can help us,instead of watching this stupid match.Why do you even watch the match?What fun is there in watching a dozen men run after a small ball?Oh God,kids,watch those invitations,do not step on them.Will you listen—-”
Woman#10:What?I can’t hear what you’re saying.
Man#1:How can I help?
Woman#7:You can start by sorting these into three categories.One,for the boy’s side,two for the ones we’ll be giving to the bride and three…(to Woman#4) which is the last category?
Woman#4:I’m not sure.Let me recall what grandmother told us to do.(Starts the recall).Oh yes.The third category is extra.
Woman#5:Ya,you know,if more people turn up than what was expected,we need to have extra gifts in hand to give them.We cannot fall short of anything.
Man#1:If we have distributed a certain number of invitations,why will there be extra people?
Woman#1(exasperated):Arree,what if some friends of the people decide to join them?We cannot say no to more people.After all,it’s a wedding.The more,the merrier.
Woman#8:How will we leave for the venue tomorrow?There are three cars and twenty-five of us,plus a house full of gifts.I was thinking,we should hire a truck to transport the gifts and other stuff earlier in the day and then we can all go there.
(A discussion about the transport logistics begins.Three women support one idea,four are on the other side and the others are busy packing the wedding stuff inside boxes.The bride-to-be arrives)
B2B:Where’s all my jewelry?I want to see each piece again and color coordinate it with my dresses.I want to match all my accessories now.I won’t have time afterwards.
Woman#9:But we’re just packing it all up.
B2B:No no no no no no pleeease.Open it up again.
(Color coordination begins and never ends.Both men have left the room by now and are in the adjoining room,watching the match.
Man#1:Busy day tomorrow,eh?